Dear Ask Tina,

Recently, in a writing class, I shared a personal essay with my group and received some rather tone deaf, almost insulting feedback from a classmate. Although I don’t love critique, I usually consider all constructive feedback in the revision process. In this case, because the topic was personal and revolved around a traumatic incident in my life, I took the feedback personally. I couldn’t separate the incident from the input. Not only did I not implement the changes the classmate suggested, I have barely written another word since. How can I develop thicker skin? 

Sincerely, Wounded

Dear Wounded,

Ouch. I’m so sorry you had this experience. I hope, though, you weren’t expecting me to tell you to grin and bear it, that writing is a dog-eat-dog business, that publishers and editors can be ruthless, so buck up and get used to it. I wasn’t very good at the whole “tough love” thing when I was raising children, so I’m not going to do it to you, because no matter how tough you are, ill-conceived feedback is going to hurt.  

Yes, you might have been extra sensitive given the personal nature of your work, but it’s also true that, given the topic, your classmate might have been more diplomatic. I would argue that the onus is on the feedback-giver to work on their delivery more than it is on the receiver to toughen up. 

Feedback should always center on the work (not the writer) and begin and end with the positive: what is working well? It should focus on strengths and help the writer see how those strengths might be applied to areas of the piece that may not be working well yet. It is never an invitation to judge aspects of the writer’s life, their story, or their skill level.  

But knowing how to give feedback is, like writing, an art that needs much care and practice. Consider that writing classes are filled with people of varying backgrounds and levels of experience. Just because someone is a writer doesn’t mean they are skilled in giving feedback. There are numerous scholarly studies on the importance and impact of feedback, as it is an integral part of learning at any age and in any context. As you found out, delivery matters.

I do hope your instructor provided guidelines and an example of how to give feedback, but even the best instructor in the world can’t control the peer-review process. Despite good intentions, feedback is rarely objective. As my yoga teacher once said, we all have “issues in our tissues.” Sometimes those issues might unknowingly leak out in writing class, especially when writing and reading personal essays or memoir. Our peers can unknowingly trigger us or be triggered when their own perceptions and issues are at odds with our own. Maybe your classmate is one of the rare people who have never experienced trauma and couldn’t perceive how sensitive the subject was for you. Lucky them! 

So even though I won’t advise you to grow a thicker skin, there are a few things you can do when you find yourself on the receiving end of feedback.

First, consider applying a “value filter.” I’ll credit my mother with this advice: anytime you are insulted (or even complimented), “consider the source.” Do you know this person enough to value their opinion? Just because someone offers a suggestion doesn’t mean they hold some special knowledge or are “better” than you. It’s possible that this person is not your intended audience. While that doesn’t mean their feedback isn’t valid, it simply indicates how much weight to give it. 

Then, there’s the “do unto others” business. Even if you feel kindness wasn’t extended to you, consider extending it back. Maybe your classmate was having an off day, was feeling insecure about their own writing, or wasn’t at their best. If you feel comfortable, it might be productive to let the classmate know, in a private conversation, how the feedback landed. This allows them to learn from your feedback. 

Finally, I strongly recommend having a private chat with the instructor and asking them to guide the group before the next peer feedback session. Perhaps together, you and your classmates can develop your own set of guidelines for giving feedback. 

I suppose it is true that writing and publishing can be competitive and might require a tough skin, but that is precisely why writing classes and groups should be the opposite—a soft place for our drafts to land, a place to learn about our strengths and to receive encouragement to work on our challenges. 

But since that doesn’t always happen, I guess some tough love is in order, Wounded, so here’s my attempt: Time to move on! You can’t control your classmate’s actions, but you can control your reaction. And your response might best be to dust yourself off and get back at it. Don’t take my word for it, though. Many bestselling authors have endured negative feedback and even cruel reviews, perhaps none more so than Stephen King. His profound advice when faced with critics: Just keep writing. 

Send Ask Tina Your Writing Questions

Do you have a writing-related dilemma? Send your questions to asktina@projectwritenow.org. Selected questions will be featured in upcoming columns, and Tina will ensure her answers offer valuable insights for writers facing similar challenges.